(Simultaneously done with hand movements...)
"You and me against the world! Oooooo Right!"
My mother made up that lil nursery rhyme when I was about two years old living in the Bronx. It was our special saying to symbolize our bond and our promiss to each other to face the world united as a family. It provided comfort for me throughout the years as I matured towards the man that I am today, but in retrospect this very rhyme is the cause for all the turmoil and strife in our relationship to this day.
I was kept on a tight leash all throughout my teenage years even after moving to New Jersey and she working in Manhattan to keep a roof over our head. Upon graduating HS I left for college where after my first year a fissure began to form in our relationship. Growing up is a natural progression of life but the problem with single parenthood is the reluctance of the parent to let go. Simularly, as a young adult I sought my independence not only in mind but in spirit as well. Since then I've felt that the world I have fought was moreso represented by the very woman whom birthed me. There have been numerous incidents that bring me to how I feel about her today...
The first incident has to do with my sexuality and how my mother was made aware of it. The man to whom my mother was married to (should've only lasted 6 months to a year per her friends and my estimates...) was an ass hole. No it had nothing to do with some odd rivalry for my mothers affections. My issue with him stemmed around the fact that he TRIED to be my 'father' at a time where one was not needed. He entered the picture when I was 19 so his intrusion into my life was unwarrented and unnecessary. This caused us to continuously argue inadvertently placing my mother in the middle. Rather than be the source of her discontent, I stayed to myself most of the time when I was home from college. However, the second summer home, my disgust for this man and my anger towards him was only solidified. After a heated argument with him over computer usage to which I made it known to him that he was not my father, he decided to go thru my personal belongings where he found incriminating evidence as to my sexual preference on a floppy disk (remember those...?); copied the contents onto another disk and submitted it to my mother for review. The following morning around eight I discovered her on the computer. "What are you doing?" I asked. "(Idiot) said that there's something on this disk that I need to see but I can't find it..." "Let me help" I said and after perusing the files, I noticed that they were my files. I popped out the disk and the disk wasn't mines. I began to delete the files and I told her that I know not what it is she was looking for but these were my files on this disk. Upon furiously returning to my room to the sounds of them arguing, she comes to my room and request to see this disk and ask if I was gay. I told her my property is none of her damn business and that I was bi! I left the house for a week w/out returning ignoring all phone calls. Upon my return he was kicked out of the house...that lasted 2 days. Strike number 1 for her...
A year + more of their turmoltuous relationship caused their marriage to faulter and she put him out the house. At the same time, my mother had been thru multiple lay offs and after the 5th one, she gave up a 20 plus year career to concentrate on her ventures. I was out of school but living at home not having fully established myself as of yet. Contributing, of course...what black parent in America doesn't require their children to contribute to the bills. Plus "You and me against the WORLD..." right? Our relationship has been bad since.
(Fast Forward...)
My mother and I are very much alike and we don't get along well when we live together. Since 2003 I've been forced into two rolls in her life. That of 'husband' when finances are needed and 'son' when she doesn't want to hear or can't bare to hear my views/opinions. I've dealt with her attempted suicide, alone (not the first one...)...and the constant fear and then desensitization to subtile threats to reattempt such an act. The stress of living in the same household prompted me to move out in 2005 only to be begged to move back in a year later to help save the house. This has involved me paying the bulk of a 2K a month mortgage alone (and Captain, refinancing was not an option at this point as it had been done multiple times). I am at my wits end. Due to the personal decisions made by my mother, I have placed my life on hold and lost valuable time all in the spirit of "You and me against the WORLD. Oooooooo Right!".
On yesterday my mother asked "Why do you hate me?" for which I responded "I don't hate you." No I don't hate my mother, I love her very much, however, I detest what our relationship has become! Every word she utters often results in a harsh exchange because I am always on defense. I pray that with her emergence back into Corporate America and my impending move back out of my childhood dwelling in the coming months will revive our once healthy relationship.
~Damnit!
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10 comments:
Wow, I read every word in this post. Usually on long blogs I'll skim to catch the highlights, but you caught me with this one.
Living for you will be the best thing you can do in this situation because at the end of it all YOU have YOU. Family is important but there has to be an understanding and respect of the family roles. YOU are SON, SHE is mama.
Man, I'm really feeling this post... Trying to get my thoughts and some advice. The relationship with my mom is so much better than what it used to be. Like you we had our issues after the dreaded sexuality discovery. I had to let go of past issues and realize she is flawed just like me. I expected her to be perfect cuz she was my mom. But as I got older I realized that couldn’t be. Once I realized her imperfections and realized that she was entitled to them, it helped so much.
Great post Dammit!
I was already aware of most of this stuff, but very good post indeed. You and your moms have pretty much the same personalities (very strong willed), so it was just a matter of time before yall started to clash. But one thing she instilled in you that you should be proud of is that she taught you how to speak your mind and be independent. But it's also obvious that your mother needs you a lot more than you need her. Normally, when the parent reaches a certain age, they depend on the children to pretty much care for them. Unfortunately for you, it started a lot earlier than you anticipated, which is not fair to you. (And the fact that you're your mother's only child doesn't help things either.)
So just make sure that, even though you cannot live with her and you are establishing your individuality, you still keep that special bond you have with her. Nobody can ever take the place of your mother. Take it from somebody who knows.
I know how mothers can be. The relationship I have with my mom is somewhat conditional. She hates my sexual orientation and has a hard time separating me from it. Eventhough we have our tough times, I remember that this is a woman who carried me for 9-10 months; gave birth to me; fed and clothed me for 18 years; and taught me how to be a man all on her own. When you think about the struggles of a single mother, you can't help but say, "Damnit"
I will ask you a question in private for your ears only...
Wow, you never know someone's story until you hear it! I never would have known! I hope that moving out does bring you closer. Maybe that will be the answer for my case regarding my father!
I'm realizing there is more to Blaq-n-mild then just crude humor. Now I see what u meant by the comment u posted on my blog. Wow"Me and u against the world." Ya mothers husband was wrong for going through ya shit. Dam a floppy disk ,they don't even install those in PC's anymore I don't think. Shit that was a smart move saving stuff to a file. He really was searchn through ya shit. When ur mom fully submerges herself in corporate america an can make it with out your assistant I say go for it, Move out. But don't stray to far from her. your her only child. Of course she is still going to look for u to help her out here an there cuz its still gone b u and her against the world. I don't think that's really gonna change because you leavn the nest. Now you'll be takn care of not 1 but 2 households. Good luck and I wish you the best. I know we've had our past issues but your not one to really show emotion so I jus wanna say I got mad respect an luv for ya blaq.
How did it take me so long to swing by and read this one?!? I need to get my life together...
That said, you should be commended for taking on such a burden - and yes, it's a burden because the responsibility was NOT yours to carry. Like all selfless acts, expect a blessing, but recognize that you're not expected or required to do this. Simply put, sometimes (as painful and surprising to others as it may seem) we need to step back and let people fall. It's the only way to have them recognize that they need to stop walking on such HIGH shoes.
wait....not a floppy disk tho...lol.
A couple of things.
First, thanks for being honest with us. I'm sure it took a lot to post something this personal. I'd never talk about how much I hate my parents on here (j/k...kinda).
Anyway, this post pretty much sums up my relations with and feelings for my mom. I love her, but, for whatever reason, I built this contempt for her over the years and our relationship has suffered.
We're still cool. We talk almost everyday, but we aren't friends and I'm fine with that.
Another thing that I've learned is that 2 or 3 or however many grown people can not successfully coexist under one roof. Esp not when the expectation of the relationship is superior-subordinate. No one can tolerate that.
I read this post the first day u put it up, but was taken a back and had to respond later. I never knew this about you, and always questioned why u lived at home. Now it all made sense, and I remember u telling me u had secrets to. The thing that got me the most was how deceitful your stepfather is. My stepfather did me dirty, stole money from my room, my bank account, and on several occasions... and my mother just allowed it to happen! This is what made me leave my house, and it hurt that my mom wasn't on my side. But she had to deal with him now, and he has to deal with GOD. I do hope that you find a newer and better version of urself once u move out, and happy that u posted so honestly. Sometimes through ur jokes and crude exterior we do see somebody that is caring and beautiful. I love you man.
deep shit...waste deep in fact got me interested fo sho
the way in which we become connected and the circumstances under which that bond is wrought and allowed to evolve is tricky...i pray that you two can back away analyze accept the way things have been/are and affect change towards what would be equally beneficial for you. ideally you'd be able to do this together but usually folk , due to blinders in the form of preconceptions given shape through life experiences, have to make that kins of shift at their own individual pace.
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